In the early to mid 90’s the divinity of all candies came into existence. This candy is called Ravens Revenge. Ravens Revenge hit hard and fast amongst elementary school kids at the time. Well… at least where I went to school. It consisted of a candy powder very similar to pixie stix but had the aesthetic appeal of being packaged in a plastic test-tube-like vial.
These vials gave eating and bringing the candy to school a very furtive vibe; mainly because we related it to drugs and the imaginary suggestion of illegality made eating the candy so much cooler and rebellious. It came in many different flavors with bad ass names like electric blueberry and black widow, and turned your tongue unnatural colors like green, blue, purple, etc. for hours on end. I had heard it before, but rumor has it that it also had the ability to turn fecal matter into the color in which one consumed. Upon further research, I found this theory to be factual, thus adding extra gnarly points to the candy. Perhaps one of their flavors should have been Dingleberry… oh well. (Click here for more info.)
Unfortunately though, like all good things of the 90’s, Ravens Revenge vanished from the face of the earth as quickly as it arrived. In fact, it’s become so obsolete, many people even question its existence; thus, becoming a mythical creature along with Bigfoot, elves, and virgins. In fact, the other day I mentioned it to my friend *cough* Charles *cough* and he had the audacity to accuse me of making up this ingenious product! Well, I believe this is proof enough for the validity of its existence.
Maybe it was the high dye content or maybe it was because kids were sniffing the stuff up their noses, who knows. One thing’s for sure, I will never forget. So here’s to you Ravens Revenge, for being the imitation drug-candy that acted as the gateway for drug use and corruption amongst American Youth. Kudos.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Ravens Revenge
Molto Bene!
You know you love Trader Joe's and you might have affectionate nicknames for this store. Trader Hoes, Trade Your Hoes, Trading's Gross, etc. It is an intimate atmosphere where you can find organic food, wine, and other obscure items that are cherished in the culinary world. I can spend hours in this trading post wandering up and down the aisles to stare at things like wheat germ, couscous, and organic dog food, and yes I am serious. Though usually, I spend less than an hour at Joe's, and most of the time spent inside is checking out the beautiful boys, but that is entirely beside the point. (Check out Silverlake TJ's for a fabulous selection of produce, cheese, and real beautiful man meat. Ooh aah. >:D)
I was standing in line to check out and I spotted a box of espresso chocolates, made by this trading Joe. There inside a small morsel of dark chocolate is an espresso center. I don't normally go out to buy candy because I am not a big candy eater. But this box caught my eye. It called my name. It was such a pretty hue of blue! I tossed that shit right into my basket. Score one for the stock manager of Trader Joe's Glendale, because he/she obviously understands the game of impulse buying.
When I opened the box, I was delighted to see many individually wrapped pieces of candy. I salivated with joy. I took one out to unwrap it, twisting the ends and peeling the wrap down the middle was titillating. As I popped it into my mouth, I was greeted with instant gratification. I let out a very Giada de Laurentiis type of moan, the kind of reaction she releases when she tastes her own food. "Mmmmm it's sooo creamy and thick and rich!" Oh yes, Giada...creamy, thick, and rich. I love it, too.
As I continue to let the candy melt, all of a sudden...
The chocolate candy burst! Espresso erupted from the dark, nugget piece. It was a warm liquid, that rushed into every crevice of my mouth and danced on the receptors of my tongue. I felt my eyelids peel back as the espresso made its journey through my system. Why yes, caffeine's effects are that instantaneous on me! I had never experienced such a feeling from a piece of candy before, let alone food!
Oh, you can interpret this feeling and liken it to something else stupidly sexual, ya nasty sicko...or wait, maybe that's just me interpreting it that way. Because when I realized how orgasmic I reacted, I busted out laughing. What other could I have reacted to such a response than to laugh?
Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolate candies are a delicious treat that can give you a small, sensual boost of espresso and chocolate. It comes in small portions, individually wrapped so you don't go overboard on your pseudo-sexual feast. If you can accept the fact that this candy spurts liquid in your mouth, I highly suggest it! And I love suggesting. Thank you for this product, you dirty, dirty Trader Joe.
